Spanish Love

    There are 2 types of tourists: those who hate being identified as such and those who embrace every cheesy stereotype that comes with the stigma- lanyard included. I tend to lean toward the camp of the former. It's not that I don't like to be noticed as a foreigner, but I prefer not to broadcast it from the rooftops. When I am abroad, I find myself to be quieter than usual with my very American accent.
    Currently, I am traveling in Spain with my sister, Kat. So far, it has proved to quite adventurous. And here is why...
    I have a very particular talent that I have refined over the years: I can fake my way to making people believe that I have some considerable knowledge of the Spanish language. To non-Spanish speaking people I feel like I am rather successful. The only fault in this practice is that once a fluent Spanish response is required, I turn into a complete moron and the façade dissipates. Hardly any semblance of intellect manages to escape my lips; just the sad mummers of a blubbering whale.
    To prove my point, I am fairly certain that at least 10 locals in Sevilla have come up to me speaking their beautiful Spanish only to find that I am as useful to them as an empty paint can. Not only am I unable to respond, but I have a permanent look of befuddlement etched across my face. The locals, however, are very kind and understanding. Once they barge through my ruse, they give me a look of, "Welcome to Spain. Good luck, you seem like you will need it."
    My sister and I are staying with a magnificent couple, David and Carmen. They have become our Spanish Papá y Mamá. By the end of our stay they will be eligible for sainthood.
    For 3 days they have been talking to me with absolute certainty that I only understand 30% of what they are saying. This is generous for I'm pretty sure I'm only retaining about 5%. But these lovely people are so patient with me. They keep talking to me and include me in their conversations. They don't mind waiting for my translator (Kat) to bring me in the loop. They are patient for me to learn. On the off chance that a miracle has occurred and I am actually able to speak, they listen and hang on to every word of my broken Spanish, eager to respond.
    It is amazing, the wonder of patience. It edifies and builds up. I ave been so encouraged just by one  couple's willingness to listen and not rush me. I have learned from their kindness how to be confident even in my weakness.
    Encourage someone through patience. Draw out boldness. Their weakness will shift into strength.

Being Human

*Half of this doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to.*



Does anyone hear me?
Mayday! Mayday! I have something to say but no way to speak. The words are caught in my throat and my emotions blocked. They are under lock and key with only a slat for air. Only if they behave can they come out to play.

Does anyone feel me?
Am I here or am a just a vapor?
I touch but am never moved. I give love but allow myself to receive none. Am I a dead thing that feels nothing? Immune to everything that holds joy?

The pain ebbs and flows. It rises then subsides, but it is always present. Can You take away the hurt or will you just tease me with notions of peace and hope?

The stillness and silence is maddening. I feel as though I'm standing on a cliff; waiting.
Come on! Do it! Push me already! Maybe then something will break through. Maybe then something will change on the inside. Perhaps then this heart will beat again.

The possibility of becoming human again is too beautiful to be true, but i would rather waste my life on a dream of goodness than exist in a hole of nothing.
Make my heart beat. Beat for something! Anything!
Make me move!

I feel You one minute and the next You are but a memory.
I feel Your breath on my fingers and Your heat on my palms.
You are so wonderful to me but I have nothing to give. One day I want to be with You so sadly I behave like an idiot, the next day I can't be bothered to say Your name.
But even then I hear You whisper mine.

I have nothing to give You but my life. Here is the life of a terrified girl. It is the 'life' of one who cannot fully commit. The existence of a doubter and a runner.
I have nothing, but You can have my nothing a turn it into something grand.

Surface Stains

From what I have gathered and gleaned in the past 10 months:

 I believe that Jesus, in His infinite wisdom and grace, is good. Not just good for the sake of being good, but He is good to me and is good for me. He quietens my soul when the gift of a clear coherent thought would be more than divine. He ushers in peace when I want to scream at the top of my lungs. He. Is. Good.

  In Toronto, I attended the School of Ministry and participated in the Heart module. Depending on you talk to, definitions of this school differ. To me it meant that I went to a school to get my crap sorted out so I could function. (And by God did I need it.) It was the ICU for my heart to be resuscitated and my emotions to be unpacked. I seriously think that there should be a notice or some kind of waver on the application for the school that says something along the lines of: You are signing your tear ducts and emotional conduits to be on overload and potentially fried for the next 5 months of your life. That would pretty much sum up the experience.  I believe that going to this school was one of the best decisions of my life; it woke me up.

 I was kinda under the impression that once I left the intensity of the ministry "bubble" things would calm down. This being said, can we all take a moment for a boisterous laugh at the absurdity of that statement? HA, Flippin', HA!!! Thank you, moment over.

 In my life, in this moment, I am able to recall the past 10 months of being out of the Bubble as nothing but the most lucrative roller coaster/slip and slide combo pack that is about 12 safety tests away from being set on fire. No joke. Emotional debris is just flying everywhere.

Throughout my life I have always been told, "Never trust your emotions as truth". For this day/week/month that is a very real statement. 

Because I am new at this "let your emotions be indicators rather than pathways" and "not everything you feel holds an absolute truth", I'm starting to fee a little nauseous. For me, I am a happy peppy person on the surface and will let you believe that "me" for however long you want to believe it. We could go our entire relationship without you ever knowing a single real thing about me. And I would be just fine with that. Sorta. However, Jesus has decided that that probably isn't the best way to do things. It's a good method for survival; but not living. He is teaching me the novel concept of....wait for it...actually letting people in. Wow, that's petrifying on every level imaginable. I do not like this lesson. I like feeling safe.

But safety is not the only feeling that I am capable of experiencing. I feel peace and excitement. I'm goofy and obnoxious. There are times that I want to go cliff diving out of pure ecstasy and joy. But on the flip side, there are days that I want to do nothing but punch people in the face or go bury myself in a hole. I feel pain and sorrow. I have experienced a depression that almost consumed me. I have gone through a misery that made me feel like my entire body was eating itself. Alone. I experienced all this alone.

Here is my problem: I have no issue bringing people in when I am on top of the mountain, but as soon the valley comes into view, I hide myself away.  In the past, I couldn't bring myself to let others see the mess of what I had become. I wouldn't let my support system support me. What has become apparent to me is that the truest form of death comes when you are isolated. How I survived high school I will never know, but I do know that I do need people. I need to be open. That is my over-riding challenge for myself and for everyone else reading; shine in both the amazing moments and the shit-tacular ones.

For example:

There are days that start out amazingly well and then two minutes later I am a puddle of snot and tears on the floor. It's really disgusting. Or I'll be doing terribly and the only types of sentences that I want to speak would be very long strings of profanities, and then everything will turn into Christmas, glitter, and unicorns. (Yeah, my sister can attest that life with me is entertaining.) So, obviously life isn't always a joyous cream puff but who cares?! Emotions are colorful and beautiful. Sure, they are exhausting as well. Embrace them! Take them bad boys and experience them with people. And for the love of all that is good and holy, don't isolate yourself.

That is my spiel.

I went to a school to be woken up. Good God, did that ever happen. The good thing about it is that I wouldn't change it. I love the chaos and the mess, it proves how powerless I am and how faithful God is to pull me up, give me kiss, and send me out again.

Who He Loves

I've always been interested, or maybe frustrated, in hearing people's opinions on the relationship between John and Christ. Because John is referred to as the "disciple Jesus loved" and the fact that he was one of the three that was always with Him, people say that John was obviously Jesus' best friend. I don't like this take because I am an insecure person and always feel I have to prove myself at something and this just makes me uncomfortable. I'm primarily dissatisfied with in because the Bible says that God doesn't show favoritism(Ro 2:11) and my thoughts of "if John was His favorite, well, I'm just screwed. John was an amazing disciple and spent 3 years with the carnal Christ. I am a 19 year old girl who tries her best at keeping a relationship with Him."

Despite these "issues", I have grown to learn something(what a shocker!);identity. It very well may have been that John was Jesus' best friend, but I now believe that John referred to himself in such a way to express the very heart of who he was.

Whenever I am asked who I am I have a checklist in my mind of how to answer that question. I can say that I am Kristen Wilcox, I have siblings, I go to a ministry school, I'm 19... I could say almost anything to describe who I am. It is the same with John. He could have said that he was a fisherman, a disciple, one of Christ's inner circle friends, anything! But instead of saying any of that, he recorded who he was as Jesus saw him. He was loved by Jesus and  that was more than enough for him. Jesus's love for John gave him life and REAL identity. So many people are lost in knowing who they really are, but John got it! He caught the truth that changes lives!

I want to be more like John. Instead of "I am this or that", I want to see myself clearly as a daughter that Jesus is passionate about. I want to be able to find myself in who Jesus says I am. I am so loved.

New Thinking

A while ago, a fabulous man by the name of Chip Judd came and spoke to us on boundaries; amazing stuff and probably my favorite week so far. During the week he made an astonishing point. Roughly, this is what he said, “More than any other person, the one that most people hate more than anyone else is the one they see when they look in the mirror. Which is sad because you spend the most time with you and you spend most of your time loathing yourself.” This is kind of a “duh” statement but when something so universal is put into actual words rather than staying thought creates  a certain power that turns its effect into a whole new light. He later made the point by saying that instead of hating ourselves and putting ourselves down, perhaps we should actually say something positive about ourselves. Maybe we should say radical things about ourselves. For example, for me I have a very hard time believing that people want to be around me and that I’m not wasting people’s time. Instead of thinking this I would say, “I am a fantastic person, I’m hilarious and my smile is contagious.” This sounds ridiculous to me and I feel really idiotic when I say it, but statements, whether positive or negative, change the atmosphere around you. So why not make the atmosphere amazing by saying amazing things about yourself and about other people. You have to live with yourself more than any other person, why not learn to love yourself by saying the things that God says about you? What a novel idea.

Yesterday I got together with my small group, and my lovely Italian leader, Celeste, put a bunch of folded strips of paper in the middle of the table. Everyone had to go around, take a random strip, and read OUT LOUD (gasp) what was on the paper. Each piece had a phrase of how we should see ourselves. They. Were. Awesome. The most amazing part about it was each person kept drawing pieces- at random- things that held a certain theme for themselves. For one girl, she kept getting things about love and marriage, another got things about loving herself and self-acceptance, and I kept getting things about strength and being a warrior.

The fact that God, my Daddy, is really a daddy and loves me enough just to give me encouraging things with the same THEME is cool. Celeste gave out packets of things we have to say over ourselves and report back to her by next week how it has affected us. I’m pretty sure it will work ridiculously well.

Song of the Day

Kelanie Gloecker- Pressing On

VERSE 1:
I did not come to entertain the people in the court
I’m here to please the King, I wanna love on You, Lord
I did not come to camp outside and view You through a haze
I’ve got to look into Your eyes in the Holy Place
In the Holy Place

CHANNEL:
There’s no going back to where I’ve been‘Cause You’re in me and I am free from sin

CHORUS:
I’m pressing on… I’m pressing on… (2x)
I fix my eyes on the prize, I’m lookin’ at You, Jesus
I fix my eyes on the prize, I’m lookin’ at You (2x)

VERSE 2:
I did not come to settle for the average or mundane
‘Cause the Spirit of Jesus Christ is flowin’ in my veins
I did not come to bow down and give in to fear of man
I’ll prophesy, sing a new song and dance Your dance
I’m gonna dance Your dance

TAG:
The blaze in Your gaze is drawing me….into You
I’m being chased by the very One that I pursue

My Love

Your Presence is all I need
It’s all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there’s no meaning
Your Presence is the air I breathe
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I’m not living
I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord
There is no one like You God
I will exalt You, Lord, I will exalt You, Lord

No other name be lifted high
There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise

There will be no one like You
And no one beside You
You alone are worthy of all praise

To See or Not to See

Last week, we at SoM took part in listening to the ever fabulous, Chip Judd. His message was that of Boundaries. Everyone has them, not everyone knows how to use or enforce them. He gave an illustration of a hula hoop to signify our boundaries. Everyone has their own hula hoop, no one is allowed inside the hula hoop except God and yourself. It is a private club.

He explained that it is our job to protect our hula hoops and to make sure that our boundaries are protected. An example of violated boundaries would go along these lines: "You make me mad." In reality, no one can make you mad. You are responsible for managing your own emotions and by saying something like this to another person you are violating their boundaries and passing your responsiblities to them. Although it is very difficult to keep our emotions in check and they are a good part of life, we can't make ourselves the victim and pass our weight onto them.

I agree with this 100%. Except there is a sad reality to this. We don't always try to break other people's boundaries, but it is often done out of an atempt to love and provide guidance. Someone actually tried to do this to me already. There was a misunderstanding and I noticed that while they were breaking mine, I was trying to defend my stance and started to break theirs.

I wanted so badly for them to see, but I can't do that. Only God can. (I hate cliches but this is true.) Every time I try to give sight and make them understand I make it worse. I asked God about this and He reminded me that is He who gives sight to the blind and understanding to the confused, that's His job. I should never try to take that away because I mess it up. My job in life is to love and be loved by Him. That's it. When I realize this and actually receive it, I calm down, back off, and life becomes much simpler. I am not the Miracle Maker, He is.

Reoccuring Themes

Here in the lovely industrial part of Toronto, there is not a lot of things to do. The local flower is concrete and the community hobby is driving. Hardly anything is close enough for you to walk to. You either suck it up and walk to the destination of your desire, pay the bus fare, or bribe the blessed people with cars to take you. The last two rarely occur during the week days. So, out of boredom and desperation for something to do, patterns emerge. The most popular things to do would be going to the gym that lies five minutes away for the sporty people determined to keep their figures, make the trek to the nearest mall that is a 30 minute walk, or- the favorite- make the fifteen minute walk to Tim Horton's for the weekly/daily/hourly donut/coffee. If you're not out doing one of these things the other options that are offered are foosball, air hockey and ping pong. There are educational and meaningful things to do...but we are the young and procrastinating sector of society. We put everything off until the last minute. This in itself is a pattern. Everything has pattern; as do the teachings that we receive.

From the first teaching to the most recent, everything can be narrowed down to two things to increase intimacy with God: Repent and Forgive. Repent- to turn away from, a precursor to forgiveness. Forgiveness- to let go. In Layman's Terms, this is how it is. 

I've had to do this repeatedly for three weeks and when I first heard it I was practically in the womb. But when I kept hearing it hear I got annoyed. However, if they keep telling us this, then obviously society does have a problem with this and just doesn't know how to confront it

By not allowing ourselves to repent and let go of the offenses of others -or even the offenses that we ourselves have made- real wholeness/intimacy with God gets messed up. When we hold offenses we are "drinking the poison intended for the other person and really killing ourselves." The other person cannot feel the intense grudge or feelings that we are harboring. They go on living their lives virtually unaffected while we do everything we can to "subtly" make them understand how they have hurt us.

 

But this is how I feel on the issue: If something as small as ticked off emotions are getting in my way of an awesome relationship with God and the things that He has for me, I want to fix it! I want God and His thickness- only thicker!  

We destroy ourselves with hatred and we are being made for love. Love is easier and expels hatred. Life is much easier and healing comes much quicker. I feel a lot better for it.

Price Tags

Whenever I go shopping- on the rare occasion that I do- I always seem to be taken aback by the price on all two items that I'm interested in buying. They are normally priced about twice as much as I would even consider ro pay for them. And my taste isn't that grand either- I just want a new item every now and then.

With this in mind, can I just ask why people tend to have this impulse to buy new things when their old things have not yet lost all value? For me, I like surprising myself with something that I would never think of getting. Which is why I am currently in te process of trying to get my chic roommate to go shopping with me and create parts of a better wardrobe.

We like the feeling of new, yet at the moment, the fashion world likes to sell retro stuff. This is how I have been feeling all week. God has been giving me revelation after revelation that it is almost impossible to keep up. But the hilarious part about it is the fact that He is giving me that same words that He has always given me. The only difference between now and then is that now all the words and revelations actually mean something. When he says He finds me funny, I'm outrageous. When He says I'm gorgeous, I'm stunning. And when He says I'm valued, I'm priceless.

Back to the price tag conundrum, everything in stores is marked by a tag. We constantly see these, yet the most important tags are often invisible to us. Our own. If we ever took the time to look at them, we wouldn't find them to be neat little cards, all crisp and clean. Rather they are saturated by blood, dripping the life of Christ. We forget, but God doesn't.

We buy new things to make us feel new and fresh, but as Christians, we are already wearing the best fashion line. We just don't always see it. Notice yours more often.

Fabulous thought

Here is one of my favorite mysteries about God:

I am His favorite

And you are His favorite

And you are His favorite

And you are His favorite

AND YOU ARE HIS FAVORITE!!!!!

What really matters

Toronto Canada is a massive city, to me anyway, but itis also one of the most culturally diverse cities in the world. Yesterday, my friends and I took a 45 minute trek to the mall and I was floored at how many cultures I could see in one place. I thought it was pretty impressive that I was traveling with a New Yorker, an English, and a Norwegian, but oh was I wrong. Over 200 ethnic origins are respresented in a city of 2.5 million people. New York is a city of 8.1 million and only has only a few dozen.

I walked into a toy store and the teller was from India, I saw at least 5 middle eastern families, Asians, Europeans...whatever nationality you can think of was probably inside that mall! And this revelation hit me: All of these people are under the same roof because they all have a common interest. Obviously they do not agree on everything, but their desire to purchase something for themselves or for their families trumps all hinderances. They can coexist in one place because of a similar desire. If it so easy for them to get along and be civil, why are some churches unable to do as much?

This also presented itself in the IHOP (International House of Prayer...not Pancakes) Toronto unveiling that I attended tonight. There were dozens of nationalities, but instead of bickering about doctrine, predestination, or guessing how many people at that moment were going to Hell, they came together to celebrate their common passion. Jesus.

Jesus' beauty is so overwhelming but oftentimes people are blinded by their own bigotry; trying to decide who is right and who is wrong that they miss the whole point and search aimlessly in the dark for something they want to hold meaning.

Christians do not need to agree with others about every little thing. Jesus is to be the focal point of our existance, everything else is either superfluous or a detail. Rather than condemning others for their opinions, embrace them. Show love. We are to emulate Christ. We are to be little Christ's.

New Chapters...and a whole lot of in your face people

Hello and good day to all of those who care enough about me to actually read what I have to say in full display of all on the Internet.

I, being a graduate from the lovely establishment known as high school, am currently embarking on a new journey that I am loving to call my own. As of this moment I am a student in the Catch the Fire School of Ministry in Toronto, Canada. Apart from being in a country that is definitly NOT home and being thrust into a school that is very fast paced and lively, I have had a not stressful experience so far.

To understand what is going on and for my own advantage of not having to answer this question again, I found out about this school from two very lovely people from church. These said lovely people told my sister, my sister attended last fall, and this fall it is my turn to be here. I chose to come here before college because I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life and I would rather worship than attend a math class any day of the week. That, in a nut shell, is why I am here.

On Labor day, my friend Jacob and his family, my mom, and I made a 10 hr trek to Toronto. It really wasn't too bad, either. Today was the first day of school and I had to say farewell to my mom...tears. It really didn't hit me until I realized that I was by myself...in a small room...with three other people that I didn't know who were my new roommates. However they are fabulous people. Talia is a native to Canada, Inka is from Finland, and Sarah is from England. Sufficient to say we are a diverse group.

After a meet-and-greet and dinner, everyone was whisked into worship in the sanctuary. BEST WORSHIP EVER!!! I don't think I have ever feel the Holy Spirit fall on me so fast. The fact that everyone was there out of a deep passion from their hearts and that everyone was pursuing God together made it so much easier! I loved it.

It is now time for this retiring night-owl to say goodnight