Monday, October 29, 2012

Surface Stains

From what I have gathered and gleaned in the past 10 months:

 I believe that Jesus, in His infinite wisdom and grace, is good. Not just good for the sake of being good, but He is good to me and is good for me. He quietens my soul when the gift of a clear coherent thought would be more than divine. He ushers in peace when I want to scream at the top of my lungs. He. Is. Good.

  In Toronto, I attended the School of Ministry and participated in the Heart module. Depending on you talk to, definitions of this school differ. To me it meant that I went to a school to get my crap sorted out so I could function. (And by God did I need it.) It was the ICU for my heart to be resuscitated and my emotions to be unpacked. I seriously think that there should be a notice or some kind of waver on the application for the school that says something along the lines of: You are signing your tear ducts and emotional conduits to be on overload and potentially fried for the next 5 months of your life. That would pretty much sum up the experience.  I believe that going to this school was one of the best decisions of my life; it woke me up.
 I was kinda under the impression that once I left the intensity of the ministry "bubble" things would calm down. This being said, can we all take a moment for a boisterous laugh at the absurdity of that statement? HA, Flippin', HA!!! Thank you, moment over.
 In my life, in this moment, I am able to recall the past 10 months of being out of the Bubble as nothing but the most lucrative roller coaster/slip and slide combo pack that is about 12 safety tests away from being set on fire. No joke. Emotional debris is just flying everywhere.

Throughout my life I have always been told, "Never trust your emotions as truth". For this day/week/month that is a very real statement. 
Because I am new at this "let your emotions be indicators rather than pathways" and "not everything you feel holds an absolute truth", I'm starting to fee a little nauseous. For me, I am a happy peppy person on the surface and will let you believe that "me" for however long you want to believe it. We could go our entire relationship without you ever knowing a single real thing about me. And I would be just fine with that. Sorta. However, Jesus has decided that that probably isn't the best way to do things. It's a good method for survival; but not living. He is teaching me the novel concept of....wait for it...actually letting people in. Wow, that's petrifying on every level imaginable. I do not like this lesson. I like feeling safe.
But safety is not the only feeling that I am capable of experiencing. I feel peace and excitement. I'm goofy and obnoxious. There are times that I want to go cliff diving out of pure ecstasy and joy. But on the flip side, there are days that I want to do nothing but punch people in the face or go bury myself in a hole. I feel pain and sorrow. I have experienced a depression that almost consumed me. I have gone through a misery that made me feel like my entire body was eating itself. Alone. I experienced all this alone.

Here is my problem: I have no issue bringing people in when I am on top of the mountain, but as soon the valley comes into view, I hide myself away.  In the past, I couldn't bring myself to let others see the mess of what I had become. I wouldn't let my support system support me. What has become apparent to me is that the truest form of death comes when you are isolated. How I survived high school I will never know, but I do know that I do need people. I need to be open. That is my over-riding challenge for myself and for everyone else reading; shine in both the amazing moments and the shit-tacular ones.
For example:
There are days that start out amazingly well and then two minutes later I am a puddle of snot and tears on the floor. It's really disgusting. Or I'll be doing terribly and the only types of sentences that I want to speak would be very long strings of profanities, and then everything will turn into Christmas, glitter, and unicorns. (Yeah, my sister can attest that life with me is entertaining.) So, obviously life isn't always a joyous cream puff but who cares?! Emotions are colorful and beautiful. Sure, they are exhausting as well. Embrace them! Take them bad boys and experience them with people. And for the love of all that is good and holy, don't isolate yourself.

That is my spiel.

I went to a school to be woken up. Good God, did that ever happen. The good thing about it is that I wouldn't change it. I love the chaos and the mess, it proves how powerless I am and how faithful God is to pull me up, give me kiss, and send me out again.