*Half of this doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to.*
Does anyone hear me?
Mayday! Mayday! I have something to say but no way to speak. The words are caught in my throat and my emotions blocked. They are under lock and key with only a slat for air. Only if they behave can they come out to play.
Does anyone feel me?
Am I here or am a just a vapor?
I touch but am never moved. I give love but allow myself to receive none. Am I a dead thing that feels nothing? Immune to everything that holds joy?
The pain ebbs and flows. It rises then subsides, but it is always present. Can You take away the hurt or will you just tease me with notions of peace and hope?
The stillness and silence is maddening. I feel as though I'm standing on a cliff; waiting.
Come on! Do it! Push me already! Maybe then something will break through. Maybe then something will change on the inside. Perhaps then this heart will beat again.
The possibility of becoming human again is too beautiful to be true, but i would rather waste my life on a dream of goodness than exist in a hole of nothing.
Make my heart beat. Beat for something! Anything!
Make me move!
I feel You one minute and the next You are but a memory.
I feel Your breath on my fingers and Your heat on my palms.
You are so wonderful to me but I have nothing to give. One day I want to be with You so sadly I behave like an idiot, the next day I can't be bothered to say Your name.
But even then I hear You whisper mine.
I have nothing to give You but my life. Here is the life of a terrified girl. It is the 'life' of one who cannot fully commit. The existence of a doubter and a runner.
I have nothing, but You can have my nothing a turn it into something grand.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Surface Stains
From what I have gathered and gleaned in the past 10 months:
I believe that Jesus, in His infinite wisdom and grace, is
good. Not just good for the sake of being good, but He is good to me and is
good for me. He quietens my soul when the gift of a clear coherent thought
would be more than divine. He ushers in peace when I want to scream at the top
of my lungs. He. Is. Good.
In my life, in this moment, I am able to recall the past 10
months of being out of the Bubble as nothing but the most lucrative roller coaster/slip
and slide combo pack that is about 12 safety tests away from being set on fire.
No joke. Emotional debris is just flying everywhere.
Throughout my life I have always been told, "Never
trust your emotions as truth". For this day/week/month that is a very real
statement.
Because I am new at this "let your emotions be
indicators rather than pathways" and "not everything you feel holds
an absolute truth", I'm starting to fee a little nauseous. For me, I am a
happy peppy person on the surface and will let you believe that "me"
for however long you want to believe it. We could go our entire relationship
without you ever knowing a single real thing about me. And I would be just fine
with that. Sorta. However, Jesus has decided that that probably isn't the best
way to do things. It's a good method for survival; but not living. He is
teaching me the novel concept of....wait for it...actually letting people in.
Wow, that's petrifying on every level imaginable. I do not like this lesson. I
like feeling safe.
But safety is not the only feeling that I am capable of
experiencing. I feel peace and excitement. I'm goofy and obnoxious. There are
times that I want to go cliff diving out of pure ecstasy and joy. But on the
flip side, there are days that I want to do nothing but punch people in the
face or go bury myself in a hole. I feel pain and sorrow. I have experienced a
depression that almost consumed me. I have gone through a misery that made me
feel like my entire body was eating itself. Alone. I experienced all this
alone.
Here is my problem: I have no issue bringing people in when
I am on top of the mountain, but as soon the valley comes into view, I hide
myself away. In the past, I couldn't
bring myself to let others see the mess of what I had become. I wouldn't let my
support system support me. What has become apparent to me is that the truest
form of death comes when you are isolated. How I survived high school I will
never know, but I do know that I do need people. I need to be open. That is my over-riding
challenge for myself and for everyone else reading; shine in both the amazing
moments and the shit-tacular ones.
For example:
There are days that start out amazingly well and then two
minutes later I am a puddle of snot and tears on the floor. It's really disgusting.
Or I'll be doing terribly and the only types of sentences that I want to speak
would be very long strings of profanities, and then everything will turn into
Christmas, glitter, and unicorns. (Yeah, my sister can attest that life with me
is entertaining.) So, obviously life isn't always a joyous cream puff but who
cares?! Emotions are colorful and beautiful. Sure, they are exhausting as well.
Embrace them! Take them bad boys and experience them with people. And for the
love of all that is good and holy, don't isolate yourself.
That is my spiel.
I went to a school to be woken up. Good God, did that ever
happen. The good thing about it is that I wouldn't change it. I love the chaos
and the mess, it proves how powerless I am and how faithful God is to pull me
up, give me kiss, and send me out again.
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